My So Called Life (Archives)

My New Blog Address: New place, same great taste.

2004-11-28T01:40:00.000-06:00

I lost all my comments when I switched to the haloscan commenting system. But, I figured out how to get my old comments back. I simply had to erase the haloscan code from my blog template. But I do want to upgrade to the haloscan commenting system so this web address will now be my archive page and my new posts will be at My New BLOG ADDRESS. This is the only way I could think of to keep my old comments that mean so much to me. Sorry for the inconvenience to my readers. :)

Gobble Gobble

2004-11-24T01:46:00.000-06:00

I’m back home at my parent’s house all this week. It’s always weird sleeping in my old room now that I’ve moved out. It doesn’t even look like my old room. As soon as I moved out my mom painted the walls a light sage color, my old bedroom furniture white, and put in an antique bed.
But at least I have a place I know I can always come home to. My parent’s built this house when I was two (so nearly twenty four years ago) and we’ve lived here ever since. It’s out in the country where a pack of coyotes runs through the pasture ever night, yipping and barking and the neighbors have cows that eat my mom’s rose bushes off the fence line. My mom has two geese, Ricky and Lucy, who practically own the backyard. Dad has the typical farm barn and fishes in the pond and shoots target practice from the pond’s dam across the pasture. When I was little we had chickens, rabbits, horses, cows, dogs, cats, and guineas. Yup, I grew up countrified.
I’ve been helping Mom sand, prime, and paint the kitchen and dining room. The sanding stuff gets everywhere and on everything. She went with ‘grape cluster’ as her paint color, which is a really rich wine color. After we paint, we start on installing the crown molding…fun.
As you can probably imagine, they don’t have highspeed internet out here, just dial-up, which is always a treat to use. My parent’s looked into the highspeed internet via satellite but it’s not yet offered in their area. So, dial-up it is. No web surfing for me for three more days!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful Turkey Day! I can’t wait to stuff myself until I pass out into a turkey induced coma. And then wake up just in time for dessert.

Maybe time knows best

2004-11-19T01:23:00.000-06:00

As you can probably guess, Nick and I have been dating. But please note that I’m not calling him My Guy anymore. The feelings aren’t the same this go around. I like spending time with him. It’s nice to have someone to go out with and date. But I don’t think anything will become of it.
There’s not that spark. I don’t feel like fighting for him anymore. If he told me tomorrow he couldn’t see me anymore because he was going to try things with Amber again, I would be fine. Seriously.
The sex is good, of course, we DO have the spark in the bedroom…and in the entry hall…and in, well, you get the picture. We went to the Iron Cactus (thank you, Mike) and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Their strong margaritas and yummy amaretto sours didn’t help matters any. We barely made it through dessert and back to his apartment (only five minutes drive), hence the entry way scene.
So, I must ask myself, did I love him? Can’t love conquer all? Love surely doesn’t die so easily. Shouldn’t I still love him? I think I was head over heels in love with him. I would have done anything for him. I could see him in my future and I in his. I thought I wanted him back. But now I know I never had him and never will. I think that’s for the best.

Sleepy Sunday

2004-11-15T17:19:00.000-06:00

Okay, I have to comment on last night’s American Music Awards. What was up with Anna Nicole Smith? I guess she got her new body and decided to trash it with some pills and alcohol. You know you’re in the gutter when Jenny McCarthy makes fun of you. And maybe someone should have told Alicia Keys her butt crack shows when she sits down in those pants. Probably not a good thing to wear while playing the ol’ piano with your ass facing the audience. You know, the whole show was actually pretty sad.
I guess the winners are based on CD sales and radio data. Hmmm, who’s listening to Michael McDonald? From the list of nominees you would think there was NO good music in America. Here’s an example: Favorite Album in America Pop or Rock Category, nominees ‘Feels Like Home’ Norah Jones, ‘In This Skin’ Jessica Simpson, or ‘Confessions’ Usher. Ummm, where are the rock nominees? Usher won, btw. And I like Usher and Norah and even Jessica but are they all America has to offer? Who put this award show together?

Varekai

2004-11-15T02:32:00.000-06:00

I went to my first circus…kind of. There weren’t any elephants or lions but I wasn’t disappointed in the least! Nick took me to see Cirque du Soleil’s Varekai. It was a really spectacular date. We sat in the fifth row center and were somehow in the VIP section. I felt like a little kid when we pulled into the parking lot and caught sight of the big top. I started singing ‘I’m goin’ to the circus’ over and over while doing a little wiggle dance in my seat.
We were virtually eye to eye with the performers on the raised stage. I was in awe from the first moment. So of course I had to capture it on film. I just started merrily snapping away until Nick poked me in the ribs and pointed to the usher making the knife across the throat gesture. Doh! I don’t get out much, okay, especially to nice things like stage performances (other than stand up comedy). I wasn’t aware that cameras weren’t aloud. Breaks their concentration and all. You would think if a person is balancing two people on their shoulders and a third on top of that is doing flips, that a little flash here and there wouldn’t bother them. I mean goodness!
Talk about talent! My favorite part was the two singers who sang the ‘soundtrack’ I guess you would call it. There was an Asian chick and a guy whose voices told the story while the performers acted and performed. I hope those two got paid well because they were fantastic. I’m trying to download the songs, but am tempted to just buy it so they get the money they deserve…and I never buy music anymore.
There were all sorts of talented performers from some comedy skits to balancing acts, from swinging flips high above the stage to contortionists, from jugglers to amazing dancers. And everyone had beautifully made up faces and truly unbelievable costumes.
I kept catching myself with my mouth open as I stared in disbelief at each act. It was nice experiencing it all with Nick’s arm around me. He would just look at me and grin as though smiling at a kid going crazy in a candy store.
I feel like such a sloth compared to the circus folks. It made me feel like I should be doing more with my body. Like working it out or something instead of just feeding it chocolate. Nah…

The Story of My Life

2004-11-08T03:37:00.000-06:00

The Story of My Life
Originally uploaded by texas gurl.
From Found Magazine.

I want...

2004-11-08T02:14:00.000-06:00

...someone who will take me in his arms in the pouring rain and kiss me. Someone I want to be a better person for. I want to be surprised by getting something I casually mentioned I liked while window shopping. I want someone who will open my car door for me every time and whisper, ‘watch out, baby’ when he closes it behind me. Someone who will let me jump into bed on a winter night and allow me to put my cold feet between their legs to warm them up. Someone who will sweep me off my feet today, tomorrow and the rest of my life. I want that warm fuzzy feeling. I want to feel giggly in-love with butterflies in my stomach and the whole bit. I want someone who makes me feel like the only person on the planet. Someone who will comfort me during and after scary movies. Someone who will have fun taking dance lessons with me and who will want to go out and show off our moves. I want to feel what it’s like to see my reflection in his eyes and know I love him. I want someone who doesn’t think my dream engagement ring is a joke. I want someone who appreciates me. I want someone to love. Someone to lie in bed with and tickle, giggle, and chat with all night. Someone to walk hand in hand with along the beach at sunset. I want to be able to trust someone with my intimate desires and fantasies and for them to be willing to fulfill them and visa versa. I want to get flowers delivered to me for no reason other than I’m his princess. I want surprises- a romantic hotel room with candles everywhere, champagne, and a Jacuzzi for two. I want someone to be faithful to. I want to go on a ski trip, have snowball fights, snuggle near the fire, and have snowmobile adventures. To cook together while sipping wine. To sing as loud as we can to 80’s music. To go on road trips to anywhere. To look at the clock ever five seconds until the time I’m to see him again. To walk together hand in hand, smiling. I want someone I can cherish and love. I want to feel warm and secure wrapped with in-love happiness. I want someone I can surprise with little gifts. Someone who won’t let my head hit the bed without his hand behind it. I want it all. And I want it just like that.

Scary Facts

2004-11-05T03:12:00.000-06:00

I've discovered the United States is a republic not a democracy. I thought the two were one in the same. How wrong I was... In our republic we elect officials to govern us and we instill our trust and power in them. In a democracy the common people, or the majority, rule and are considered the major political power.

Take One for the Team

2004-11-04T02:11:00.000-06:00

I was driving down the highway last night in the left lane behind a car going about 75mph in a 60mph zone. I drive down this same highway everyday going to school and always go with the flow of traffic which usually streams along at 75mph. All of a sudden I see flashing lights and a police car pulling out from behind some cement barricades where he had been lurking and waiting. And what do I do? I start praying, of course. I know he’s going to pull me over and I’m going to be late for class. I signal and then get into the right lane. But, thank the LORD ALMIGHTY he went past me with his eye on the car in front of me. I got back in the left lane and ended up passing them. The lady driver looked all pitiful and I felt sorry for her. But, I’ve been there. I calmed down and thought about how lucky I was. Sometimes you have to take one for the team. And the lady was the one who had to be sacrificed this time. I got behind a red truck going about 75mph and got to class ten minutes early. Thank you lady in the white Jetta!

All Hallows' Eve

2004-11-01T16:01:00.000-06:00

Last night was fun. I stayed home with Ardra and we passed out candy to the trick-or-treaters. We live in the suburbs in a pretty nice new neighborhood with a lot of little kids. It was so sweet watching the little kids in their costumes. But I must say we saw mostly little girls- angels, fairies, poodle skirts. Where were all the little boys trick-or-treating? It’s neat looking in the window of these people’s lives. Most families would have one parent accompany the little kid to the door while the other parent videotaped the whole thing or just took pictures.
Ardra always buys the full size candy bars from Sam’s to pass out. The older kids love this. We had put up the baby gates so the dogs could see whoever was at the door but not try to lick the people to death or try to escape. All the little kids loved seeing the ‘puppies’. One little boy about eight years old exclaimed, ‘Wow, now that’s a big screen TV!’ and his dad was like, ‘Yeah, it is.’ in awe. Now, Ardra and Brian’s TV (65 inches) is TOO big in my opinion, but it’s their home, TV, and money to spend. Ardra had to shut the door in their faces or they would have stayed on the porch watching TV all evening.
One mom was a little eerie. She was looked at me with a straight face, no smile, and said very seriously, ‘Those are beautiful cocker spaniels, just beautiful.” Okay, lady. It was my turn to close the door on a crazy. When the next trick-or-treater arrived the lady was out on the sidewalk telling some other parents about how beautiful our dogs were. I’m kind of scared to leave them outside tomorrow while I’m at school. I don’t want them to be doggie-napped.
Nick harassed me all night trying to get me to go to The Church so he could enter the costume contest. I kept telling him I didn’t want to go; he finally got pissed and hung up on me. WTF? I turned off my phone to that nonsense. I can’t remember the last time someone hung up on me. How immature is that and inconsiderate and juvenile? Who still hangs up on people? I thought that was out.
I turned my phone back on about 12:30am and there was a text message apology and a voice mail whine. Whatevah.
He called at 1:30am to make sure I got his apology. He didn’t win the contest and it didn’t sound like he had a very good time. He saw Amber there. She evidently declined when he asked her to dance and then bailed.
For the record, she had asked him not to call her sometime last week. He was upset about it and said it would take a lot for him to forgive her. I remember saying to him, ‘yeah, it would take something like a phone call from her for you to forgive her.’ He said, ‘No, he was serious this time. It would take more than that.” Hmmm. So she called him on Saturday wanting to go out. He accepted (BECAUSE SHE CALLED!). They were supposed to go to a costume party when she got off work. He gets all excited about getting to wear his costume again and picks up some more make-up. He went to pick her up and she changes her mind. She decides she doesn’t really want to go. So they end up a little pissed at each other all evening and don’t really do much of anything. They have the oddest relationship. Probably because neither one is super healthy mentally or in the relationship department.

My Last Questionaire...Promise.

2004-11-01T01:43:00.000-06:00

Last cigarette: Never had one
Last car ride: Picked Ardra up from DFW Airport
Last kiss: Nick on Friday (really Saturday morning 4:00am)
Last good cry: Over the phone with Kiki while in the Ekerd's parking lot waiting for my Xanax refill
Last library book: Psychology journals for research
Last movie seen: Saw
Last book read: Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom
Last phone call: From Juan asking what I wanted, was seeing if he and Kiki wanted to go to the Church for their Halloween Costume Contest
Last song you sang: Loser by Three Doors Down
Last shoes worn: Born sandals
Last cuss word uttered: Can’t remember, I don’t cuss very often
Last item bought: Exxon regular gas
Last beverage drank: Ardra’s sweet tea
Last food consumed: Polo’s Italian angel hair pasta with meat sauce
Last TV show watched: Yes, Dear rerun
Last time showered: This morning
Last cd played: Garden State Soundtrack
Last downloaded: Stopzilla Pop Up Blocker
Last annoyance: Being hung up on by Nick
Last disappointment: In myself for not going to the party last night
Last thing hand written: Ardra’s flight information
Last sleep: Nap today from 10:00pm-11:30pm
Last weird encounter: Meeting Kiki and Juan’s odd friend Sam
Last time amused: Friday watching Futurama in bed
Last time hugged: When I dropped Ardra off at the airport on Friday
Last chair sat in: My 1999 Honda Civic LX driver’s seat
Last underwear worn: Navy blue Victoria’s Secret panties
Last time dancing: Too long ago
Last show attended: Edgefest 2004
Current mood: Blah…listening to the rain
Current music: None
Current hair: Short, letting it grow out, brown
Current clothes: Said panties and ‘Got Blood? (Wanna Share?) Texoma Regional Blood Center’ Tee Shirt
Current time:
Current hate: Not being appreciated, relying on my parents for financial support
Current love: Wireless internet
Current hero: My Daddy

Trashy and wrong on so many levels!?

2004-10-31T03:09:00.002-06:00

I need to give some background information before I launch into my slutty story. In 1999 I married my high school sweetheart, Aaron. To every girl out there…Listen to your parents on this one…Don’t get married young…You have yet to experience the world and truly discover who you are!! We were together four years, the last three and a half of which were REALLY unhappy for moi. There were many reasons for my unhappiness which I’ll blog about later. Two years out of the relationship we had absolutely no sex. We’ve been legally separated for the past year and a half and are now waiting for our divorce to process.
I had several relationships and flings in high school, then got married, then separated, then had some much needed time to myself (no sex), then there was Nick (fantastic sex). So I’ve never really got to experience the great single life that people normally get to experience in their late teens early twenties. I feel like I’m getting a second chance at life here. Like getting to live Sex in the City…kind of.
So last Thursday Nick and I went to watch The Grudge. We made out during the previews and I stayed in his lap throughout most of the movie (thank God for the loveseats). There’s something about him that I’m drawn to. Maybe it’s purely physical. Not visually physical but chemically. He’s not my type in the looks department. I’ve had pics of him up here before. He’s skinny, black hair, brown eyes. But he does have a nice ass and penis. I was reading Kirsten’s blog about penis peaking so this one’s just for Rad Fanny. His dick is perfect. The absolutely perfect size, shape, taste, the skin is baby soft. Just fuckalicious. After the movie we went back to his place and one thing led to another...
Friday night I went out with some friends to watch Saw, which needs to be seen by all horror and thriller film enthusiasts and viewed in the actual THEATER (I’m talking to you Mike). I messaged Nick on my way home around 1:30am with simply ‘wanna come over’. He had been out with his friends and sounded kind of toasty but said he was on his way. Does that count as another booty call?
One thing bothers me about these sexual rendezvous. The sweet intimate little things he does that I mostly wish he wouldn’t do. But at the same time love that he does them. For instance, afterwards he pets my hair because he knows I like it or he’ll want to hold my hand or caress my stomach. Why can’t he just keep his hands to himself afterwards and keep the sex to just sex and nothing more? I wonder why he does these things. Habit? Or because he wants something more? Or he’s just being sweet in the moment.
I feel like I SHOULD feel trashy or guilty for my actions with Nick. But I don’t. I have fun with him and he fulfills my needs in more ways than one. The above background info was to somehow justify why I’m a horn dog now. But why do I feel the need to justify my sexual desires? Hmmm…

The Barrel and the Rose

2004-10-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

We had the worst waitress experience at our weekly Cracker Barrel outing on Sunday. My best friend, Ardra, and I were seated right away which was nice considering it was Sunday afternoon and we usually have to wait on the church herd. But, that’s where the nice time ran for the door. Our waitress, who forgot her smile at home that day, came to our table and took our drink order. Me: chocolate milk, Ardra: Coke and we requested that she bring out the biscuits and corn bread now rather than with our meal. She said ok so we thought all was well. We get our drinks minus straws and our bread. We remind her about the bread and I ask for straws as she’s walking off with no sign of acknowledging either request. She brings the straws. NO bread. She takes our order. Lahlahlahlah…la..la..We wait, our stomachs growling.
From my chair I can see the entry way into the kitchen where the wait staff like to peer out and check on their costumers without being in full view. Or maybe they just like to hide back there and converse about what Jill did with Gary the night before, I don’t know. But I do know they avoid eye contact like the plague when they’re in their little dwelling. I watched our waitress chatting it up for a good five-ten minutes. She had to have felt my stare of death on her or maybe that’s what gave her the evil power she ran on.
I finish my chocolate milk and Ardra lines up my empty glass and two empty milk cartons along the edge of our table, hoping to give our waitress a hint. Lahlahlah…
We have played the little triangle game they leave on the table a gazillion times and have become tired of hearing 'we’re just plain dumb' on top of starving to death.
FINALLY, she brings our bread. Hallelujah! We tear into it like rabid dogs. Five seconds later she brings our meals. Hmmm, isn’t that bringing the bread with the meal? We normally like the bread as an appetizer so we can relish it. But, at least we have our food.
I had ordered meat loaf with fried okra and hash brown casserole. Unfortunately, my plate of food had been sitting somewhere frigid while waiting on Ardra’s buttermilk battered fried chicken to cook. Ardra always asks that her sides be placed in individual little bowls. She’s got this thing about them touching each other and the juices melding, etc. That seemed to have slipped our waitress’s mind as Ardra's green bean juice was soaking her chicken and mashed potatoes.
We didn’t complain, just took it like good children do. We ended up having to ask the hostess for a to-go box for Ardra’s chicken because we didn’t see the waitress again after she brought our meals. Maybe she did feel my death glare after all. We didn’t leave a tip, for the first time…ever.
We were so disappointed. We eat there all the time and have never had a bad experience.

But on a happy note, we found an awesome costume rental place. It’s called Rose Costumes and it has every costume you could possibly think of. They provide the costumes for a lot of the local theaters so they are pretty high quality. They also have some Halloween stuff for sale like blood, fangs, wigs, etc. Pretty neat place.

Disclosure

2004-10-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

We’ve been corresponding via ICQ. I know I shouldn’t be talking to him, he’s no good for me, I deserve better…blah, blah, blah. It’s so much easier to stand back, see someone else’s unhealthy situation, give them wonderful advice, and judge them for not following it. I can see my big picture and I know what I should and shouldn’t be doing. But I really can see him for who he is now…and all he isn’t, and all he’ll never be. But sometimes it’s nice to hear what you want to hear, regardless if it’s heartfelt or not.

Listening to I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You by Colin Hay

A Man Is...

2004-10-20T01:22:00.000-05:00

Is it true that girls grow up and subconsciously want a man like their father? I’ve heard this before and never really gave it much thought. When I was younger (during the infamous rebellious stage) I wanted someone just the opposite of my dad. But, now that I’ve gotten older and a little wiser I find this statement has a lot more truth in it than I’m willing to admit.
My father is an alcoholic and has been all my life. I’ve learned to deal with his sickness as he’s made it clear he’s not willing to give up the drinkie. But, like everything, I try to learn from it. I’ve learned alcoholism is hereditary and my dad’s dad had a drinking issue as well. I know I will never allow myself to become so selfish as to become an alcoholic. I’ve learned I sure as heck don’t want to and never will date anyone with a drinking problem. So the statement is wrong on that fatherly trait.
My dad is a wonderful provider for his family. I can’t think of one day he’s ever not gone to work, been out of work, or not been able to provide for my mother and me. He expresses his love by providing a home for us, food, cars, vacations, tuition, and whatever else we need or want. I look for this in a mate. Even though I’m a very independent feminist, I still want someone who will provide for me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to contribute too. I aim to get my doctorate in counseling psychology and buy into a private practice so I won’t really need a man to provide for me. It’s just the mentality, perhaps a little southern belle-ish, that my man wants to take care of his little lady.
Dad is a rugged man. He’s tall and beefy, and very old school. He hunts, works on cars, does all the lawn maintenance, and all the other typical man stuff. He doesn’t cuss in front of women, is always polite, honest, opens doors for ladies, etc. He always makes sure our cars are serviced and clean with tags up to date and toll tag recharged with toll money. He never lets me leave home without putting money in my hand and always says he loves me before ending a phone conversation. He's no quitter. He's taught me never to give up on something you want. If something is difficult than it must really be worth it. Despite conflicts in my parents' marriage, he has stuck in there. He's shown me that in relationships there will be thick and thin situations but you don't just bail, you work things out. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind finding a man like that.
Please don’t think just because I live here in the south that I have some sort of incest fascination with my dad, because I can assure you I don’t. That’s just wrong on so many levels. I was just honestly examining where I get my man criteria. And, I guess that’s mainly where I get my definition of how a man should and should not be…from my dad.

My Theme Song

2004-10-19T03:00:00.000-05:00

I heard this song yesterday in the car and have adopted it as my new theme song. Though, I must have looked like a crazy person singing at the top of my lungs, while tears streamed down my cheeks, with a goofy grin on my face, just driving along. It was very empowering. Ended up picking up the cd on the way home for future encouragment. If you need a little (or a big) boost, I highly recommend buying (or downloading) it. I guarantee you’ll feel better after singing these lyrics. At the very least read them aloud. Note: really yell the words in bold for added effect!

At first I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along. And so you’re back from outer space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock. I should have made you leave your key if I’d known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.
Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore! Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?! Do you think I’d crumble? Do you think I’d lay down and die? Oh no not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive! I’ve got all my life to live! I've got all my love to give! I’ll survive! I will survive!
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart. Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. And I spent o-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry but now I hold my head up high! And you see me, somebody new. I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free! Well, now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me!
Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore! Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with good-bye?! Do you think I'd crumble? Do you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I! I will survive! Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive! I've got all my life to live! I've got all my love to give! I'll survive! I WILL SURVIVE!

Thank you, Aretha Franklin

"Miss Dashwood" DRINK! "Mr. Ferras" DRINK!

2004-10-14T01:08:00.000-05:00

Saturday Kiki and I were supposed to go out dancing but we both had lazy-fever and ended up staying in. We wanted to play some drinking games but Kiki and Juan didn’t have any playing cards or dice (who doesn’t have playing cards and dice??) in their apartment. So we improvised.
Sense and Sensibility + Bottle of Malibu = Two very drunk giggly girls. When anyone in the movie said Ferras she had to take a shot, when Dashwood was mentioned I had to slam one. If you’ve ever seen the movie then you can understand why we were too sloshed to get half way through the darn thing.
I got distracted by some highlighters sitting nearby. I guess we thought it would be fun to write on each other’s arms with the various colors of highlighters. That seems logical. What? I’m twenty five years old.
At one point I vaguely remember seeing little carpet bits lying around me from the new carpet being installed. The bits looked like soft, fuzzy caterpillars. It became the focus of all my attention and the future of everyone on Earth relied on me picking up all the ‘caterpillars’ in my vicinity and encaging them in my purse. That was fun to find the next afternoon, carpet bits all in my purse.
Later, I became very acquainted with Kiki and Juan’s toilet. I fell asleep with my arm lying on the rim of the toilet and my head resting on my arm (heavily adorned with highlighter art). You can imagine my delight the next day when I went home and looked in the mirror to find pink and green highlighter squiggles all over my forehead. Nothing gets that stuff off by the way. Not soap, rubbing alcohol, acetone, Noxzema face pads, Comet cleanser, 409…NOTHING! It has to wear off.
Why do I revert back to a child when I drink too much? Oh well, it was fun. Next time, we'll just go out dancing…far, far away from writing utensils.

The Human Mind is an Amazing Thing

2004-10-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

You can actually read the following paragraph. Yes, it's in English.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thguoht slpeling was ipmorantt!

From Jen's Mission to Find Herself

Amen

2004-10-11T23:52:00.000-05:00

I got this email from a reader trying to help me out. I'm not really a religious person but I love this. It's a sermon about letting go.

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk! Don’t try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.The Bible says, they came out from us so that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us [1 John 2:19]. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.It doesn't mean they are a bad person, it just means their part in your life is over. And you've got to know when a person’s part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you’re holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to…LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.

You talkin' to me? Hehe...

2004-10-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

"When a door of happiness closes, another door opens for us, but we usually sit so tight looking at the closed door that we don't pay attention to the doors which have been opened for us..."

Her Life Goes On

Getting to know me, lalalala...la

2004-10-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

The bold entries are the things I've done or experienced. Feel free to copy and paste into your own blog. Just add another event to the end of the list.

1. Bought everyone in the pub a drink- I'm a poor college student- no way
2. Swam with wild dolphins- in Florida
3. Climbed a mountain- in Colorado
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive- no desire to
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula- no thank you
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone- you know me and cheesy romantic moments
8. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it- duh
9. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease- love the Carmen Electra Striptease Work Out Videos
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris- one day...
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea- uuh, storm, sea, lightning, nope
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise- once again with the romantic moments
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game- Cowboy games count, right?
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa- I'd probably just take a picture of the stairs, and the Tower itself, of course
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg- might be kind of neat on one of those cruise ships, but would bring my own self inflating raft, cell phone, and GPS
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper- it's not as bad as I thought it would be
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower- awe inspiring
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity- see number one
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill- who hasn't?
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight- in Colorado, wish it snowed here
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier- for a scavenger hunt
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can- atop the mountain I climbed
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy- hehe
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip- remember it like it were yesterday
38. Taken an ice cold bath- why?
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar- sounds really interesting, do I frisk them first?
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster- Six Flags Over Texas, SF Over Georgia, Disney World 42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days- trip to Mexico
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking- everytime I dance
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states- 11/50 Alabama, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York, Oklahoma, Texas
50. Loved your job for all accounts- Dr. Andrew F. Ringel's office, best job ever
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced- a lot of someones
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice- what?
61. Midnight walk on the beach- sound of the waves crashing, feel of the soft sand under my feet and a warm hand in mine, the smell of the salty water...
62. Went sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight- hahaha
68. Milked a cow- no, just milked tiny cat teets ;)
69. Alphabetized your records- of course
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke- well, I was on stage with a microphone and music was playing, not sure if the sounds that escaped my mouth could be defined as singing per se...
72. Lounged around in bed all day- and?
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Went scuba diving- snorkled
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain- there's something about just stopping, not caring that you're getting soaked, and kissing in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain- played and continue to play
79. Gone to a drive-in theater- want to
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog- someone like my mom, that wouldn't be cool
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken- one day...
86. Toured ancient sites- Mayan Ruins in Mexico
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight- I'll try most anything once
90. Gotten married- see 89
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced- we all make mistakes
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days- why?
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice- would love to
101. Gotten a tattoo- I don't deal well with pain
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything- I think I did, don't really recall...
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage- was in ballet when I was little; fifth grade talent show; other silly assemblies and pageants at school
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark- gotta love the little tester stations at Sam's Club
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand- yummy, Phad Thai
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house- wish I still had it
117. Been in a combat zone- thank God, no
118. Buried one/both of your parents- see 117
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off- yeah, why is this question right after the dead parents inquiry?
120. Been on a cruise ship- no but I have my safety preparations well planned out for any future cruises I may embark on
121. Spoken more than one language fluently- ustahcould sign pretty fluently, three years of American Sign language
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check- unintentionally
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did- I know they reproduced, that's pretty significant to me
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking 137. Had an abortion or your female partner did- hopefully I won't ever, but would like it to always be a legal option for myself and every other American female
138. Had plastic surgery- need it
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived- anyone who answers yes to this, rent Final Destination I and II just for a little heads up
140. Wrote articles for a large publication- 'Jacket Racket' in the Herald Democrat 1995-97, okay it's a large publication to me
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane- ooow, I so want to get my pilot's license someday
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show- won money at Bingo once, and while gambling in Biloxi 149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced- nothing crazy, just my belly button when I was in high school
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol- hunting and target practice with my Dad, target practice with an ex who's in the Air Force, got to shoot his M16
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse- had two growing up, Big Red and Old Bill, guess which one was big and which one was old
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet- my cousin did, a Boa constrictor named Vernon, was really neat 161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon- I'll just take pictures
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing- maybe with the help of Xanax 163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours- and?
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor- nope just blood, plasma, and my 12 inches of hair I got chopped off a couple of months ago.
170. Eaten sushi- yummy to my tummy
171. Had your picture in the newspaper- see 109 and 140
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school- never left
176. Parasailed- Florida
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read- Poe, Jane Austen, Steinbeck
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them- stole shot glasses
183. ...and gotten 86’ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- can't even eat chicken off the bone
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt- it's never too late
187. Skipped all your school reunions- no way, and miss all the dirt?
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language 189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language- HA!
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts- helped
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal or Blogger- that's pretty shitty 199: Written your own role playing game- I'm a dork
200: Been arrested
201. Have ever made your last will and testament or a living will
202. Had sex in a car- and on a car

Updated March 25, 2005

Theoretical Mumbo Jumbo

2004-10-03T14:27:00.000-05:00

I want what we had, the great relationship and all that came with it. But I know now I can’t turn back time and I can’t create something that’s just not meant to be. The timing’s not right in either of our lives anymore.
It’s like a wonderful time in my life I can always look back on and be happy about. Our lives crossed at a time when we were both looking for something to complete us. And we found that something in one another.
But our lives are slaves to Time. Say our lives are stretched out in front of us as one long line. We age, our circumstances change, WE change and it’ all based on a parallel Time line that runs along side our Life line. Stay with me on this one. The Time line has only so many windows of opportunity that allow for someone new to enter our lives. Pretend everyone on Earth possesses these two parallel lines. Time opens your window at the exact same time as it opens someone else’s and you meet. But Time and Life keep going and sometimes the windows of Time shut or something happens along the Life line. You’re no longer meant to be together. The timing’s not right, your lines are no longer in sync. Maybe your windows will open again at the same time, maybe not.
But, I like to believe everything happens for a reason. I try to learn from each experience and remember a piece of happiness from every occasion. And so my Life lays before me full of hope but at the mercy of Time.

Forbidden Fruit

2004-10-03T14:17:00.000-05:00

He called today and we discussed our relationship and his relationship with Amber. She had told him they were just friends yet wanted him there as an option, in case she wanted more. She plays games that I don’t know the rules to, not really sure if she does either.
I’ve come to the conclusion that he likes that. He likes her games and being in agony over them. She was his first real girlfriend and they lived together three years. Maybe that’s just what he thinks is normal or what he’s accustomed to, what he feels love is like. He likes that she’s unpredictable, spontaneous, and just out of reach. He likes that he has to take care of her at times, bail her out of different situations, and the fact she sees him on her schedule, when she wants. She gives him just enough affection to sink her claws in his heart and then ignores him. He hates it but loves it at the same time. Her claws are already in so he’s addicted, he can’t help it. But that’s just what I think.
I’m not like that. I say what I feel. I was always available to him, still am. I like being dependable and responsible. I’m independent and never needed him to rescue me. I always communicate issues that arise and like to solve them as they happen. I don’t play games with people’s hearts or lives. I’m not saying I’m better than her by any means. I’m just saying how I am.
He asked what I thought about us. I told him I didn’t think this was the right time in his life for him to be in a relationship. He needed to be young and single for awhile. I told him I didn’t expect anything from him, Friday night was just sex between two single people who are really attracted to one another.
I returned the question. He said he liked me but he didn’t know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What? I wasn’t asking him to marry me. Anyway, his answer opened my eyes. It was time to move on.
Then I had to wonder: Do I want him just because I can't have him? Am I like him, drawn to what's just out of reach? Crap.

Yes, one booty call please...

2004-10-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

Friday was a day of weakness. I don’t regret what I did I just don’t understand why I did it.
I called him at 1:30am after leaving some friends’ apartment and said I was in his neighborhood. He of course invited me over. I tried to pretend I was someone else to distance myself from the situation. I became Cammie (my name’s not Cammie). He seemed to play along over the phone asking different questions about Cammie and so on. It was really quite fun flirting back and forth. Cammie said she was on her way over.
I began to rationalize the situation, to try to tell myself it would be just sex. Then I started rethinking the whole Cammie thing. If I was going to do this than I wanted it to be me and needed him to see me for whom I was.
He answered the door in a shirt I had bought him. He was irrisistable, sexy as hell. We said hello and I told him it was me not Cammie, he said he knew that. He said he liked my hair (I just put red streaks through it), I said he looked great, and that’s pretty much all the talking we did. It was almost animalistic lust or something. We didn’t need words. Our bodies came together hungerly as though starved. It was pretty intense.
Afterward I kept telling myself to just leave but somehow ended up asleep in his arms for a couple of hours. I woke up around 4:00am and got dressed. He walked me to the door and tried to kiss me bye but for some reason I dodged it.

Talk TV

2004-10-01T01:06:00.000-05:00

I was making my wish list on Amazon and realized most of the dvds and drama series I want are narrated. In Sex and the City the main character, Carrie, is reading her column aloud throughout the episodes and it really adds to the experience. Some of the questions she asks make you stop and think. Felicity was the same only she was reading letters to and from her long distance friend.
It’s not like I’m stupid and need the narration to tell me what’s going on. It’s just interesting and touching to hear the character(s) speak directly to the audience. Narration makes the character more real for me and helps me vicariously be there with them in their particular situations.
Some other TV favorites with narration are Scrubs, The Wonder Years, and My So Called Life.
The list of movies with this feature is endless I’m sure, but here are a few off my Top 50 Movies: The Shawshank Redemption, American History X, Forrest Gump, Great Expectations, Message in a Bottle, and White Oleander.

Why do people feel the need to play matchmaker?

2004-09-28T19:49:00.000-05:00

I’ve been without my guy for less than a month and I think I need a little time on my own…not a new relationship with a new set of problems and issues and drama. I know my friends and family mean well and want to see me happy with someone.
I’ve noticed everything’s easier when you’re part of a couple. You can double up with other couples, split costs, and well what else is better about being in coupledom? Why are we expected to pair up? It’s surely not to just reproduce, right?
Aren’t we enough by ourselves? Why do I need to be ‘fixed up’ with this friend of your’s who’s really cute? Can you not accept me for me minus the guy?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family for caring about me. But right now I think I need to be on my own.

Time heals all...ummm

2004-09-25T16:29:00.000-05:00

I’ve been told Time heals all things. It’s been three weeks since we were really ‘together’. Is that enough time? When will this I’m-going-puke-when-I-think-of-him problem be healed? When is my hope for reconciliation going to be bandaged and told it’s not going to happen? When will my mind be cured of this thinking about him a gazillion times a day? When will I realize this nightmare is actually reality? Everyone’s quick to tell me Time heals but no one can tell me when this whole healing process will begin…or end…
I was reading back to my first post ever. I knew this was coming. He told me this time would come.
I was in real denial, I guess. Love will do that, you know. Maybe, deep down, I thought I could erase his feelings for his ex, or at least show him how great relationships can be. I thought I could miraculously become number one in his life and he would never want to leave me. Yet, in his heart, I was standing in her shadow, always there if needed, but never really seen.
Did he really ever know me or was I just everything she wasn’t, an Amber Deluxe, if you will. Was he trying to fill the void she left in his heart and life with me? And now that she’s back, the Deluxe model is shelved, no longer needed. The Amber Basic, however flawed, still wins out…wins him.
He’s told me his heart and his mind tell him to continue a relationship with me. He loves me, he’s happy with me, rationally we would be better for each other. But, he has to see what will happen with her or he would have always wondered: what might have been?
It was just easy being around him. We had an easy relationship. Smooth sailing all the time. Great sex. One of those relationships that you hear about and you think, yeah right, it can’t be that great. But it was.
I have this whole Time thing going for me, so I’ll be all right. I know he’ll never be treated as good as I was to him. And I’ll never love someone quite as fully as I loved him. I have to ask: Six months down the road will he be telling her, he has to see what will happen with me, or he’ll always wonder: what might have been?
I can save him a little time on that one. What might have been? A great love between two people, a relationship I actually would have taken a bullet for. Can’t say if we would have lasted forever, but I would have tried with all of my being to make him feel appreciated and loved everyday. But that’s just what might have been.

Become just friends: Mission accomplished?

2004-09-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

Seeing him again wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong the feelings were still there. Everything just seemed different, it’s hard to explain. Being in his apartment was very difficult, familiar yet foreign. He had my things ready for me to grab them and get, so I quickly pet his dogs (who I miss terribly), and headed out. It would have been a perfect getaway except he wanted to help me carry the stuff to my car. That was one of the things I loved about him. He always walked me to my car, opened the door for me, gave me a kiss goodbye. Of course, we started talking next to my car, safely away from his apartment and all the memories it tempted me with. It was as though I was there with him yet I wasn’t. I was watching us converse from afar, an observer. Perhaps my mind was forcing my heart to step back and look at the big picture instead of falling for him all over again.
And then there was the moment that snapped me right back into my skin. He stepped forward and pulled me into a hug goodnight. And then it all came back to me. All the happiness and love we shared, the familiarity of his embrace, his warmth, his smell, the absolutely wonderful feel of my body pressed against his. He buried his face in my hair, lightly grazed my neck with his lips, and whispered, “I’ve missed this so much” his voice husky in my ear. And then his lips where suddenly nearing mine. Oh God…I can’t do this again…if he kisses you, you’ll be pulled back in…he doesn’t want you…he wants Amber…you won’t be able to stop with the kiss, you’ll end up in his apartment…and then, well it couldn’t all be bad…maybe just this one…NO!
I turned my head and his lips landed on my cheek. I thanked him for helping me bring my stuff to the car, gathered up the pieces of my heart, and waved goodbye.

So right, yet so wrong...

2004-09-23T18:33:00.000-05:00

Can you imagine us making love? The way it would feel the first time that we touch? Can you think of it the way that I dream of it? I want you to see it like I'm seeing it. It's a picture of perfection, the vision of you and I. Your lips upon my lips (can you just picture this?), your fingertips on my fingertips, your skin upon my skin would be the sweetest sin. All night I lie awake because it's too much to take, dreaming about the love that we could make. All day I think of schemes to get you next to me. I want you so bad that I can barely breathe. It's a sign of my obsession that I can't stop thinking about. Your lips upon my lips, (can you envision it?), temptation I could never resist, your skin upon my skin would be the sweetest sin. It would feel so good to be so bad. You don't know how bad I want that. I would do anything to feel your lips upon my lips. You are the sweetest sin.
The Sweetest Sin by Jessica Simpson

Comic Relief

2004-09-23T17:37:00.000-05:00

Maybe you should just get a gun and off this bitch. That way, he'll be forced to come back to his "back-up" girl, and when he does, he'll know you mean business this time. I'll help you out, of course. We'll get a chainsaw and chop- oh, damn. There I go again... nevermind. Maybe you just need to get really stoned, and have a bowl of ice cream...

The Mr. Vitoff

Thank you for revealing some options I normally wouldn't have thought of. Well, maybe I would have thought of the ice cream, okay I did think of the ice cream, unfortunately, I wasn't able to limit myself to 'A' bowl. My friend, Kiki, owes me a 'puke on your shoes' night out, so I plan on losing a few brain cells (hopefully some memories and hurt of recent break-up) while I dance the night away... That's a level four on the drunkenness meter, by the way.

Words that define us

2004-09-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

Broke up. What does that mean? That we’ve broken up our relationship? That our relationship is broken? Never to be repaired? Perhaps repairable? That we, as people, are broken up? Does it mean, 1 relationship broken up into 2 people? 2 people who then are supposed to go about their 2 separate parallel lives?
Dictionary.com says it’s: to cause to separate into pieces suddenly or violently; to cause the ruin or failure of; to weaken or destroy, as in spirit; to render useless or inoperative.
Great. My guy and I decided suddenly to destroy each other's spirit and to render each other useless and inoperative causing our own ruin. That sounds much better than my guy and I broke up.

It's been 7 hours and 15 days since you took your love away...

2004-09-22T16:01:00.000-05:00

My ex-guy and his ex-girlfriend are dating now. Yes, his ex who left him and moved to Indiana, who moved back here, wanted to be just his friend, and who now wants to see how a romantic relationship with him would work out. A sensible person in my shoes would move on with their lives and never look back. A nice sensible person would move on with their lives and try to remain friends with him. I am neither sensible nor nice, it seems. No, I prefer to hang around with my heart in his hand, waiting to see if their relationship does in fact work out. If it doesn’t, I get to be the back-up. The old back-up-plan-girl. I dream of the moment. If it does work out between them, I might become sensible maybe even nice...

2004-09-22T01:01:00.000-05:00

Shot through the heart and you're to blame.

You give love a bad name.

I play my part and you play your game.

You give love a bad name.

How true.

Broken

2004-09-21T16:47:00.000-05:00

I wanted you to know. I love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well. I want to hold you high and you steal my pain. Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. You've gone away. You don't feel me here, anymore.

Evanescence

Is love enough?

2004-09-21T16:43:00.001-05:00

My guy said he and his ex didn’t work out because of various reasons (reasons he mysteriously forgets when he sees her now). They didn’t have a lot of money, they moved in together too soon, lack of communication. But what really stands out when he told me this was: “You can’t just live off love. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”
Is love enough? Can love really endure all things? I choose to believe it is and it will.

I just called to say...

2004-09-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

I spoke with him on the phone today. I need to get my stuff from his place. I don’t want to just pop over there because I really don’t know who or what I might find. I didn’t know what to say on the phone, how to speak to him, what not to talk about. He sounded different, not as open or soft as he normally would speak to me. I heard myself speak in a monotone uncaring voice, as though I was separate from it. The real me was far away trying not to say what my heart was screaming, “I love you. I want you. Why don’t you want me?”
It seems ridiculous. I love this guy. He says he loves me. Why aren’t we together, blissfully happy like we were?

To Sir, With Love

2004-09-21T16:37:00.000-05:00

I don’t know what to call my guy anymore now that he’s not my guy. I don’t want to lump him into the pile of discarded ex-boyfriends just yet. What do I call the man who I love but who doesn’t want me? He’s more than a crush. More like an addiction, an infatuation? Until further notice, and until I can rid my heart of him, his title will remain my guy.

Cowboys VS Browns; Trying to move on...

2004-09-20T16:56:00.000-05:00

Some friends of mine and I were given some Dallas Cowboys’ tickets for yesterday’s game. I hadn’t been to a football game in forever so it was all new and exciting. The lines to get yummy food, the huge prices for said yummy food, the lines to use the gross restrooms, and all the wonderful people you see at events like these. Events where a large amount of people from all walks of life are crammed into a relatively small arena.
In this case, an arena that was designed by an architect with a really bad sense of humor. I guess, whoever the drunken person was who drew the plans for Texas Stadium didn’t consider using the restroom a very high priority at an all day event such as a football game. There were three operating women’s toilets on our level of the stadium. That made for some fun waiting in line time. I won’t go into the condition of the restrooms.
I must mention, also, these friends of mine aren’t circlers. Meaning they don’t circle the parking lot to find the best parking spot available. They just park anywhere. We were given a reserved blue parking permit so we weren’t that far from the entrance but still. They just pulled into the blue parking area and parked. They didn’t even back into the parking spot for an easier getaway later. So we walk past at least three empty rows of parking and then a lot of individual spaces within twenty yards of the blue entrance. Yes, I am the laziest person on Earth.
All in all I had a blast. It was fun being in a crowd full of energy and anticipation. I screamed and cheered for the Cowboys and booed the Browns and learned all about downs, fouls, and other football terms I probably won’t remember. Some of our players really knew how to work the crowd. The players, along with the huge messages and live feeds on the gigantic screens, kept us alive and in the game, play by play. I didn’t know how exciting getting a ball across a field could be. I believe my cheering played a part in the Cowboys' win.
We had an extra free ticket and my friend’s couldn’t find anyone who wanted it. All I could think of was, a week ago I would have invited my guy along. I know he would have had a good time. I tried not to think about him during the game, but I did wish he had been there.

A lot of blood

2004-09-15T18:49:00.000-05:00

I’m not happy. Actually I’m pretty mopie and sad. Yesterday the rain lulled me to sleep at 8pm. I’m usually a night owl staying up until 2 or 3am so it’s really weird for me to go to sleepy that early. But if I’m sleeping, I’m not thinking and that’s the best part.
I gave blood today at school and made an appointment in a couple of weeks to donate some of my platelets. Platelets are used by leukemia patients who need daily platelet transfusions. That made me feel like I at least did something productive today.
I feel like I’m a zombie, not so much with the bloody mouth and craving for human flesh, but as though I’m just slowly walking through my life. I’m performing all my tasks and turning in all my class work but my mind is numb like a zombie’s. Or maybe my heart is numb and it’s controlling my heart.

There's a difference between being alone and lonely

2004-09-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

I have always enjoyed being alone. I need my alone time and space to just be, well, alone. But lately I’ve been feeling lonely.
I miss my guy a lot, more than I want to admit. He had become my best friend over the last seven months. We would talk on the phone at least an hour every night. We told each other everything. I didn’t realize how much I looked forward to his call, his voice.
I miss feeling his body against mine, the excitement it brings. Waking up to him cuddling closer to me. Him singing me to sleep with my head on his shoulder and our legs intertwined. Yes, I do miss him.

You can count me in

2004-09-13T16:26:00.000-05:00

“I want to do something. Something I’ve wanted to do all week.” He says.
Then he kisses me.
Soft lips, warm breath. A blanket of calm settles over my fears. Everything will be alright. His scent, his embrace, a tingle of excitement. I let myself relax into the moment and am instantly swept back onto the battleground where the war for Love rages on.

30 Going On 13

2004-09-13T16:13:00.000-05:00

I just watched 13 Going On 30 for the third time. Not the third time today, I’m not that depressed…yet. It’s a pretty good movie. Definitely makes my Top Fifty Favorite Movies of All Time list. I love the soundtrack.
The main character, Jenna Rink (Jennifer Garner), starts crushing on her friend Matty but he’s got a fiancé. Jenna describes to her group of 13 year old friends the evening she just spent with Matty, a kiss they shared, but how they can’t be together. She tells them, “Love is a battlefield. You’ve got to fight for what you want.” Then proceeds to sing Pat Benatar’s Love is a Battlefield with the music video in the background. It’s actually really touching.
My guy and I watched it together a couple of weeks ago. Snuggled together on his couch under a cozy movie watching blanket, I was so unsuspecting and naïve. Everything was so perfect then. Little did I know I would soon be in Jenna’s shoes. Well, maybe not in her shoes exactly but feeling distraught over love.
Yes, I’m back to being in love with someone who is in love with me and someone else (refer to my June 23, 2004 post.) I’m wanting someone who is pulled between his feelings for me and his old familiar feelings for his ex. You would think I would learn my lesson, but nope. I feel as though I'm 13 again, lost in love.

Love is a battlefield...

2004-09-13T16:08:00.000-05:00

We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our hearts for so long. Both of us knowing: Love is a battlefield. You're begging me to go. You're making me stay. Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me to know: Do I stand in your way or am I the best thing you've had? Believe me, believe me I can't tell you why but I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your side. Love is a battlefield...

Pat Benatar's Love is a Battlefield

Life is a cruel, cruel joke

2004-09-07T18:15:00.000-05:00

"We have three Ambers in this class. Isn't that funny." My Bioethics professor announced. Yeah that's just a barrel of laughs.

Reality Bites

2004-09-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

What’s it all for? A few good months? A few great times that I’ll try the rest of my life to erase from my memory while at the same time etching them in my heart to remember forever?
Why must we feel pain? So we may recognize moments not laden with heartache? Is it so good feelings may be that much more cherished?
Why do I keep trying to find love? When we touch something hot and it burns, we keep our fingers away from the heat source. Why when we get burned in love do we keep sticking our hearts back in the flame? Aren’t we intelligent beings that should know better? Love hurts. It’s been proven. Anyone who has ever loved can tell you. Why love?
I swore I wouldn’t let myself get hurt again. Here I am, writing this post with an aching heart. I want to know why.
Is it better to just cut ourselves off from feeling so we may save our hearts from getting torn to shreds?
Yesterday I was seriously thinking I could grow old with this guy. Today I realize I don’t even know who he is.
Do we ever know someone, fully know someone? How can we when we don’t even know ourselves?
I feel nausous like I may be physically ill. No way can I eat, sleep’s a joke. Thank goodness for my dear friends Elavil, Ambien, and Xanax.
This whole site is load of crap. Melodramatic crap. Please accept my apology for polluting the internet with such optimistic bull.

Beginning of the end

2004-09-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

So I spent all night agonizing over what could possibly be going on in my guy’s head. How does his ex have such a hold on him and he not even see it?
We had plans to go watch Wicker Park, eat at Pasado’s, and go visit our friend’s new apartment on Saturday night. He called around four on Saturday asking if I’d be upset if he went out with her instead. It was her only day off. First, why didn’t she call him as soon as she found out it was her only day off to make plans with him instead of calling him the day of? So, he wants to drop everything and be at her beck and call. I really didn’t think I would have a problem with him doing friend stuff with her so I said go for it, have fun. I should have communicated that it hurt my feelings a bit that he cancelled our plans to go out with her, but I was trying to be supportive. Why didn’t he tell her I have plans with my girlfriend tonight, when’s your next day off? But he didn’t. He wanted to see her more than me, obviously. But, if they finished friendly time early he would give me a call and we could still do something. Yay, I get to be second.
He said they would probably go to the dog park. That sounded cool, very friendly, lots of people around. The dog park closes at sundown or around 7:30pm. Called him at 11:30pm, no answer. Hmmmm. Called him at 1:30am, he picked up and said he’s bringing her home.
This whole friend thing seemed so much better during the day when the sun was out. But at 1:30 in the morning, in the dark, I was a nervous wreck. What do an ex-boyfriend and girlfriend do alone until 1:30am? He would later tell me they, “watched movies or something” at his apartment. Those were his exact words… “or something.”
He called me back after he dropped her off. I tried to express to him how worried I had been all night but by the way he was acting I think it may have been perceived as me gripping at him.
He told me one of the things he didn’t like about his relationship with his ex was she always made him feel second to her friends. That’s how I feel, but I’m always second to his ex. Life is funny like that. Maybe the word is cruel not funny.
Since I’ve know him, I’ve felt that way. Except for the last few months, that is. Our relationship has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in.
Today I ended it. I won’t be with someone who makes me feel second. He didn’t even care enough to try to talk me out of it or do anything to make me stay. No need to fight for what you never wanted in the first place, I guess.

++Please note I wrote this when I was really upset. This is only my side of the story. He is not a horrible person just because he can't love me the way I need him to.++

2004-09-02T16:27:00.000-05:00

How do we find time out of our busy lives to take pointless quizzes like “What kind of alcoholic beverage are you?” Someone actually took time out of their lives to create this quiz and I took time out of mine to answer it. Then I was somehow so captivated by the whole quiz taking process and in depth perception of what alcoholic beverage I really would be if I were not a human being and in fact a liquid, I took an additional ten minutes to set up my very own Quizilla account.

2004-09-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

You're a Glass of Wine!

What Type of Alcoholic Beverage Are You?
brought to you by http://quizilla.com

What's my age again?

2004-09-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like your life is a waste? You keep trying to reach your goals but they are always just out of reach?
I’ve been in and out of different colleges and universities all across the south for eight (yes EIGHT) years! That might be okay if I had been awarded a degree by now, but I haven’t. I started junior college while I was still in high school thinking I would get a jumpstart on my education and graduate early. That plan didn’t work out. Two semesters went down the hole due to partying and my being too lazy or hung over to go to class; two years devoted to my elementary education major went south as soon as they put me in a class with demons; then there were a couple of semesters I felt compelled to study web design, boring; the past three semesters I’ve been a student of psychology and believe it to be my calling, plus my parents are forcing me to chose a major and graduate or they’re cutting me off; not sure what I was doing the rest of the time besides taking crap courses like Music Appreciation and Foundations of Art III.
You might be saying to yourself that I’m lazy or stupid. Yes, I’m probably both of those. But, I also wonder if I’m scared. Am I afraid of graduating, getting a job, and having to support myself? Am I frightened of being on my own, independent? Am I afraid I won’t find a good enough job or be happy in the psychology profession?
I just look back and wonder where the time went. I’ve got nothing to show for the past eight years of my life except college transcripts to prove my existence.

Without the rain there would be no bloom

2004-08-31T16:06:00.000-05:00

Being the psychology major I am, I like to talk about issues that come up in the relationship with my guy...usually. I figured my last relationship had zero communication and went horribly wrong so why not try something new that’s been proven to work by all these studies. So I preach to my guy that I believe good communication creates a strong foundation for a successful relationship blah blah blah. If something bothers either of us I like to get it out in the open, discuss it, and decide how to handle it in the future.
My guy is pretty cooperative with me on this. Not sure if that’s the reason we have such a smooth relationship or if we just fit together well. Of course we have only been seeing each other for seven months.
I say all that to say my guy truly irritated me for the first time on Sunday. So much so I reverted back to the me who thought I’m-just-gonna-sulk-about-it-and-I’m-not-gonna-tell-you-what’s-the-matter would actually work in a relationship. So I played that card all day, ruining my day, probably his as well. The whole time I was sulking I knew it was wrong and immature. I knew I should have pulled him aside and maturely discussed what was bothering me. He deserved that. But for some reason I couldn’t.
That evening he called wanting to talk about it, throwing my own words in my face. Saying we needed to discuss what happened, what he did, or didn’t do. My heart melted. I guess the fact he had actually been listening to me when I preached about how important communication was and the fact he cared enough about us to want to solve whatever was bothering me totally took me by surprise and overwhelmed me. Not sure why. I know he cares about me. I guess actions speak louder than words sometimes. Needless to say, we discussed and resolved the issue.
I find myself loving him beyond what I previously thought love could be.

Just Be

2004-08-30T19:43:00.000-05:00

Baby tonight we could close the door and lock ourselves inside. Take time to feel. I don’t want to miss the chance to be so real. The days all fly away and I forget the truth. Everything that matters is in this room.
My heart is yours but every part of me still wants to give you more. More time to love. Because you never know when life will leave us. I want to take in all the beauty here. Let the world around us just disappear.
When you lie next to me breathing the air I breathe we don’t have to speak…just be. Love’s a precious thing. Don’t want to waste a day or one more minute without you in it. Life is so sweet when you lie next to me.

For the first time

2004-08-30T19:22:00.000-05:00

The candle flame flickers in his eyes igniting my desire. His closeness is real and his breathe is mine to breathe. His fingertips explore my nakedness carrying me to a world where only he and I exist. His smell, oh his alluring scent, beckons me closer and I feel the length of his body against mine. Time stands still.

Why?

2004-08-30T19:19:00.000-05:00

Why are you reading my blog? What caught your attention? Why me? Why my words? Isn’t it odd how I spill my feelings and these intimate details about my life all over the internet and they find their way to you. Basically, a narrative of my life is before you to read, judge, perhaps relate to, laugh about, and/or skip over never to be thought of again.

Warning: Reading this may actually make you dumber.

2004-08-30T18:50:00.000-05:00

I believe that the world can be divided into two distinct groups of people: those who keep stuffed animals in their vehicles and those who don’t.

143

2004-08-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

Do you remember how it feels to be told “I love you” for the first time in a relationship?
I know I care for my guy. I love him. I’ve known he’s cared about me for a while but he hasn’t ever said the glorious three words…until today.
I tried to play it cool but I wanted to run outside and scream, “He loves me! And I love him, too!” I feel all warm and flushed. Isn’t it silly? I feel like a big goofball who can’t stop smiling.

Silly guys...

2004-08-18T21:54:00.000-05:00

Do you know those guys who sit at home and wait for the perfect girl to knock on their door? They’re just normal guys: straight, cute, employed, smart, fun but who make up all these excuses as to why they don’t date or go out where they could actually meet a real girl.
I call several of this type of guy my friend. They’re not just here in Texas either. I’ve got friends in Florida and Colorado who are still sitting on their couch waiting for a gorgeous model to knock on their door, deliver their pizza, and decide to stay forever. I have an idea they’re everywhere…just waiting.
This guy is completely happy chatting on his computer on a Friday night, and NOT to females. Or he’s content having dinner and a movie with his friends, GUY friends. He might be a game nut and play Xbox Online 24/7 with his online friends, GUY friends. He’s always keeping himself out of any situation where he might meet a single girl and, God forbid, be alone with her.
He only wants a beautiful virginal girl. Normal girls are not acceptable, they might actually want to date him and then, God forbid, want to spend time alone with him. It’s easier if they just keep their standards at an unreachable level. They don’t go to clubs to find women because the women at clubs are not virginal ladies they would want their mother to meet. (The first part’s probably true. There probably aren’t very many virgins in the club scene but that doesn’t mean they aren’t great girls to bring home…and eventually meet mom.)
Usually this type of guy travels in a herd. Support system, you know. So just think of all the great single guys and their herds sitting around America. They’re our untapped resource, ladies. No, seriously, I try to get across to my guy friends: life is short and you only live once. Guys, take the “Girls Not Allowed” sign off the door to your heart and open yourself up to true love.

You might be from my hometown if you...

2004-08-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

…use the word “Coke” to represent all soda brands and flavors.
…say Wal-Mart bag and mean any plastic bag. Example: “Grab me a Wal-Mart bag from under the sink.”
…call J. C. Penney’s just Penny’s.
…add an ‘s’ to most any store name and don’t mean it as a possessive ‘s’. Example: “Should I go to Wal-Marts or K-Marts for some coke?”
…call all newborns, no matter what the species, babies. Example: baby horses, baby dogs, baby cats.
…you go to Wal-Mart for your Friday night outing.
…pronounce library, lieberry and don’t feel embarrassed.
…have a relative whose name on his birth certificate is Bubba, Junior, or Buddy.
…have poultry as pets. Example: chickens, geese, ducks.
…have seen three or more animal births by the time you were ten years old.
…drive at the speed limit or under to be on the safe side.
…know what the predicted weather forecast is for the next seven days and plan your life accordingly because the weather channel is always right.
…have ever huttled in a bathtub under a mattress during a tornado watch.
…are camping and you wade out into the lake to urinate instead of walking to the restrooms.
…have ever been to see wrestling live.
…travel across the border to eat catfish and do some gambling.
…buy your beer before you leave Texas to go to the lake in Oklahoma because Texas beer is stronger.
…use a koozie.
…have ever been spanked with a miscellaneous item. Example: fly swatter, flip flop, tree switch. …let your dog swim in the chlorinated swimming pool with you.
…don’t bother dressing your baby to go out in public, a diaper is fine.
…your middle name is Lee, Lynn, Leann, Ann, Dawn, or Faye.

Denison, Texas population 22,773 and on the decline.

Edgefest 2004

2004-08-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

My guy took me to a concert over the weekend. It was an all day affair with one big main stage and two smaller side stages. Every band we heard was at least decent. The Vanished was there, a local band we’ve seen before. Breaking Benjamin was kind of a filler band. Blue October was sort of a mix between Barenaked Ladies and Linkin Park. Oh and they had a girl bass player. Lit wasn’t really my style of music but was entertaining. My guy didn’t care for Saliva but I thought they were cool. From our seats, the lead singer looked like Silent Bob. Three Days Grace got the crowd jumping. Seether was awesome. The crowd went wild when Amy Lee came out to sing their duo, Broken. Evanescence was last and by far the best band there. But, I’m biased I think, they’re my favorite band. We were able to get down in the pit towards the end of the show. It was amazing being that close to Amy Lee while she sang songs I’ve sang along with for the past year in the shower and in my car. My ears were ringing and I was really hoarse all the next day but it was so worth it. My guy doesn’t care for her voice but endured it and even got some really great pictures of her for me. He’s the greatest. Thank you for taking me, sweetie.

2004-08-03T14:20:00.000-05:00

“Shaving your armpits was actually really disturbing.”
“Why? I forgot my razor and didn’t know how to use yours.”
“I just wasn’t expecting to have to do anything like that until you were, like, 80.”
“Ahhh. You’ll shave my armpits for me when I’m old?”
“Yeah, and anyplace else you need for me to. But, I expect you to do the same for me.”

My guy got the short end of the stick on this one. Hehe.

Babies Babies Babies

2004-07-27T14:35:00.000-05:00

So the friend I live with and her husband are trying to have a baby; We babysat for her three month old nephew for the weekend and it made her want one even more; I went to my cousin-in-law’s (we graduated high school together) baby shower over the weekend. BABIES!
Everywhere I look there’s people reproducing! or trying to.
But, 44% of women within the prime childbearing ages (15 to 44) were childless in 2002 and the number is expected to climb.
So not everyone’s having babies, but we’re expected to, or we accidentally do. I’m twenty five and my mother reminds me that I’m not getting any younger almost every time I see her. My guy questions me about if or when I would like to have children. Aren’t there enough kids in the world? We can’t feed, clothe, and educated all the ones we have now.
Yes, one day I want to love someone so much I want to create a life with them. I want to have a child and raise it together, maybe even two kids, who knows. But, today I want to be young and live life. I want to get my degree and become financially independent. I want to travel and date and be a little irresponsible. I want to start a career and one day begin a marriage. I want to be me…one of the more than 44% of American women without a life solely dependent on them.

Trust- firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing; reliance on something in the future; hope; faith. –dictionary.com

2004-07-27T14:05:00.000-05:00

He read my post below and got discouraged. He said he couldn’t say anything to make me happy. I told him what to say. He said them.
I felt like my friend’s let it be spoke directly to me. My guy is always saying, “Whatever is meant to be will happen. Whatever happens…happens” I believe that to a certain extent but not fully. We control our own destiny. We have free will. We can control a lot of what happens due to decisions we make. I almost think the phrase is cowardly. Not to say, my guy is a coward at all. But, I choose to decide my future and stand up to the consequences, instead of hiding behind, “Whatever happens, happens.” Things that are out of our control, on the other hand, can be classified in that statement. Things such as weather, other people’s actions, scientific phenomena, divine will, etc. That’s how I feel anyway. To each his own. “Agree to disagree” as Ron Burgundy (Anchorman) would say.
I saw him on Sunday and everything seems nice. I feel more comfortable talking about the future now. We’re both committed to our relationship and being happy. He seems certain this is what he wants. All I can do is trust him.

If you love someone, set them free, if they come back, they’re yours, if they don’t, they never were

2004-07-20T11:29:00.000-05:00

My guy said his ex had a blog but wouldn’t tell him the name of it. I, however, welcomed him to read mine. Now I’m not sure if that was such a good idea. I feel vulnerable and exposed knowing he reads my inner most thoughts. Yet, somehow I feel fine about the rest of the world reading them. Don’t get me wrong, I trust him with these thoughts of mine, but I feel a little off balance not knowing his.
I’m coming to the realization that I love my guy but I need to set him free. After all, that’s what the excerpt from the poem says and if he comes back it was meant to be, right?
I don’t really feel as though I have any possession of him now so I won’t really be freeing him from anything other than my heart. I’ve never felt like we were a normal couple. He was always waiting on her while I was waiting on him.
Hopefully this will help him clarify his life, help him see what truly makes him happy and what or whom is best for him.
He’s told me he can’t give himself to me or our relationship 100% and somehow I accepted that. I can’t anymore.

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother

2004-07-19T15:26:00.000-05:00

I’m not sure why I was so bitchy over the weekend. PMS? Lack of sleep? All the crazy thoughts and insecurities that were and still are roaming through my head? All of the above?
I need to love and be loved. I’ve got a princess complex I’ve mentioned before. Maybe due to my being an only child, maybe not. I believe you show someone you love them by putting their needs before your own, by making them feel special, like the only person on the planet. You do whatever you can to make them happy.
I’m such a naïve child when it comes to relationships. As I’ve said before I want the fairy tale. I can’t understand what I’m doing wrong. Why can’t I have a normal relationship? I think I’m a pretty good girlfriend, but evidently not good enough.
How pitiful does this sound? At least I have my two pups and kitty. They love me no matter what, unconditionally. They don’t mind my morning breath, bed hair, mood swings, or anything else. They love me for who I am. I am their world and they keep me sane in mine.

The Plot Thickens

2004-07-19T15:14:00.000-05:00

Briefing: My guy emails his ex and they agree their relationship didn’t work. They agree to be friends when she returns. They weren’t friends before they started dating and think maybe that’s why their relationship went south. They agree if the friends thing works out maybe they’ll try a romantic relationship again.
Hmmmm, I don’t mean to be selfish, but where’s that put me? Are he and I going to continue seeing each other when she gets back? He says he would like to.
If we do, it will be difficult for me when they have friend time because I know they’re both willing to try a romantic relationship again. Will it be in the back of their minds?
I’m so unsure of this whole situation. I pester him for reassurance but he can’t give me any. He did promise he would tell me if he started feeling anything toward her that would remotely make him want to take things beyond a friend level.
I guess this is where the trust part of our relationship comes into play. I trust he will remember me during friend time with her. I trust he won’t act on any desires towards her while he’s still with me. I trust he’s a good man and will continue to be honest with me.
But this wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to come back and he would see if the old feelings were still there and make a decision…either try again with her or try a real relationship with me. This somehow got more complicated and drawn out. Is it worth all this time, effort, and agony?
I’m comfortable with him. I desire him. I respect him. I admire him. I love him. There are times when I look at him and I am overwhelmed with feeling. I love his curly hair and how he wears it long for me even though he likes it short. I love his soft lips and his sexy dimples. I love watching him talk about things he’s passionate about. I love listening to him sing. I love the way he makes me feel sexy and desirable. I love how he opens doors for me. I love his soft skin and nice ass. I love how he loves his family. I love watching him with his dogs. I love how he shaves his face for me even though he likes scruff. I love that he calls from the grocery store to see what I want at his apartment. I love that he shops with me without ever complaining. The list goes on.
But is that enough? Enough to outweigh how inadequate I feel compared to her? I want him to say he wants and loves only me. I want him to say how much he enjoys being with me and everything will be alright. But he won’t lie to me.
Perhaps I need to heed my own advice and be happy in the moment and stop worrying about the future. Maybe that’s how I can get through this.

E-mail from a fellow blogger...

2004-07-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

It's good to see you posting again, though I must admit the love-heavy content has left me trying to remember the last time I said the L-word to someone other than my mom. Which leads me to why posting a comment to your blog has been difficult, I guess I'm just on a different plane of existence right now where silly and trivial things are what occupy my thoughts. Though, when I look at myself sometimes I can still see the scars and wounds of old relationships of which I have tried hard to repress, but its refreshing to read from someone who has such vivid images and emotions attached to their feelings and desires.

-Mr. Fredo

Thank you for the comment. We all have those scars and wounds, the key is learning from them and trying again.
"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." -St. Augustine

Sixteen days and counting...

2004-07-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

So my guy was with his ex for three years and they lived together nearly the whole time. I know he loves her and was planning on marrying her. She re-enters the picture in sixteen days or less.
I keep wondering if I’m getting in the way of true love and happiness for them. Should I step aside and make things a lot easier for them? I know I confuse him more by professing my feelings for him.
His ex seems like a kindhearted person. She’s always willing to help people, loves animals like he does, and loves him too. However, I don’t approve of the way she behaves towards him sometimes. I know no one is perfect and every relationship has its problems, but goodness. She moved across the country from the man she says she loves and has been away from him for nearly nine months. Why doesn’t she think about how that makes him feel?
My guy and I were talking about how we’re nice to people even though we don’t want to be. Sure, if I saw his ex I would be friendly because she’s never done anything to me and I’ve only heard one side of the story of their relationship woes. It would kill me to see them together though. Just the thought of them holding hands, or kissing…that would not be cool.
I hope everything works out and she gets here safe and sound by the end of the month. It would put an end to this constant wondering and we could all move on with our lives.

Levels of Drunkenness

2004-07-13T16:20:00.000-05:00

Level One- (a couple of beers) Happy; I look around to critique the scantily clad pretty, skinny girls and wish they would eat a little sometimes; scan the place for cuties; become a little more touchy feely with my date; my hips start swinging to the beat of the music.
Level Two- (a couple more drinks) Happier, everyone is my friend (yes, even scantily clad, anorexic chicks), smile at the cuties across the room; fantasize about a quickie in the ally; must yell because spoken words become far off; grooving on the dance floor.
Level Three- (more drinks and maybe some shots) Happiest; I am the prettiest girl in the club and the best dancer ever; everything is funny; start to think about doing things I wouldn’t even consider sober.
Level Four- (body shots, keg stands, etc) Sick; try not to achieve this level of drunkenness; want nothing more than to lay down in a cool soft place with a wet washcloth and silence; a cold toilet seat feels good on my cheek and a cuddly piece of sidewalk looks like the perfect place to take a little nap; will need other people’s recollection of the night to know what I did.

The beat goes on da da dum da dum da da

2004-07-12T19:41:00.000-05:00

We went out salsa dancing on Saturday night with some Hispanic friends of ours to a club downtown called Babalu’s. We got there around 10:30pm and the dance floor was dead, not a soul out there. My guy and I were the only white people in the club (the tallest people too) and I kept getting the urge to run out on the dance floor and dance Saturday Night Fever style. My guy told me I would surely get thrown out. Nah.
Promotional girls were handing out free Tawaka (or something like that) and cranberry juice drinks and Nokia representatives were giving us the ever popular glow-in-the-dark necklaces and drink stirrers (those were actually really cool. You could turn them off and on and they could be used for all sorts of other things, thought of while I was drunk of course.)
After a while (time for everyone to have a few drinks) people started getting their tush’s to the dance floor. The music was great even though I didn’t understand what was being said and it made you want to shake your bum.
My guy’s not much of a drinker and he was toasted after a couple of drinks so I took advantage of him, of course, and forced him out on the dance floor. We had a good time even though we had no clue how to salsa. Somehow we ended up grinding instead of salsa-ing. Hehe.
You got to love those people who feel the need to dance on the stage or bar or anywhere everyone’s eyes are on them. Some guy was dressed like Michael Jackson in the Thriller video only in all black leather instead of red…yes long sleeved leather. He even had the jerry-curl hair. He was pretty funny to watch in the strobe lights with his crazy moves and sunglasses in the dark club.
As everyone knows, there are different levels of drunkenness for each individual. See my levels in the above post. I was at Level Two on Saturday night. I thought some guy broke my toe while I was dancing with my girl friend, Kiki, and I could have sworn it was gushing blood. Turned out he stepped on my toe and then spilled a shot on it. Whew. Speaking of dancing with Kiki, what’s up with random guys just coming up to us and dancing with us on the dance floor? They don’t do that when I’m dancing with my guy. She and I are perfectly content dancing with one another and a guy always comes and thinks we want a guy in the mix. No thanks. If we wanted a guy in the mix, we would dance with our guys.
It was great to just get out and let loose with my friends. Fun times.

I wish I had a little head harness thingie...

2004-07-11T19:36:00.000-05:00

...from Strange Days that records everything about a moment so I was actually able to re-live it.
Do you ever have a moment in your life that truly stops time? A moment that is so surreal you want to record it for later playback? Or it feels as though you’re in a movie? Here’s one of my moments…
So we were lying in bed, I with my head on his shoulder, and he starts to sing The Dance. I could feel his voice from his chest and it kind of vibrated when his voice dipped low. I could hear his sung words near my ear and he absently brushed his hands through my hair. His skin was soft and warm and I cuddled closer to this man whom was taking over my heart. Lying there before me, he seemed so gentle, exposed, and trusting. For that moment, there is no other place on earth I would have rather been. I was willing to endure any amount of future pain for only a few moments of this heaven.
I requested he sing my favorite song of the moment, Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee. But that’s another moment…

From an e-mail I got from a friend about her relationship with her guy...

2004-07-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

...You know what he said this morning, he said "I feel like I'm in a movie" and I said "Why is that?" and he replied "Only people in movies are this happy."

Doesn't this just say it all...

2004-07-09T15:40:00.000-05:00

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared beneath the stars above. For a moment all the world was right. How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye. And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance. Holding you I held everything. For a moment wasn't I a king. But if I'd only known how the king would fall, who's to say, you know, I might have chanced it all..And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance.
-Garth Brooks

Twenty-Four Days

2004-07-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

See post #1.
As I confessed in the above post, I’m in love with someone who’s in love with someone else. My guy is still in love with his ex-girlfriend and I, of course, am stupidly in love with him. She says she’s coming back to Texas and will be here by the end of the month.
She’s been in Indiana helping out some of her friends for the past nine months. She told him she didn’t want to be with him when she left but they still correspond via e-mail and sporadic phone conversations. When he and I began seeing each other I demanded that he tell her about me so she would be clear on their relationship and ours. With that she decided she really did love him and did indeed want him for herself. So the past five months since, she has continually promised him she’s going to come home next month, then the next month, then after she gets her car repaired, and then after she helps out another friend. I need to add that he was planning on proposing to her but was saving money for a ring. As life goes, he got a large raise a couple of weeks after she left and would have been able to purchase one had she stuck around.
He has always told me that he’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. He’s told me several times that we shouldn’t see each other anymore, trying to protect me from getting hurt. But, I’m happy when we’re together…WE are happy when we’re together…as long as neither of us thinks about it (which we’ve gotten really good at doing).
I’ve adopted a philosophy recently that says, “Be happy in the now, it’s all you really have.” What if we don’t live to see tomorrow? At least we grabbed some happiness while we could.
I wonder what the next month will bring. I try to prepare myself for the worst and emotionally withdraw myself away from him bit by bit. I knew this time would come, I can’t lie to myself or you and say I didn’t. But, I can look back on the months we’ve had with a smile, maybe a tear, but definitely a broader knowledge of myself. I want him to be happy so I wish him well with whichever path he chooses, whether it be her or I or neither of us.
And so, to use the words of Whitesnake (don’t ask), “Here I go again on my own, Going down the only road I’ve ever known, Like a drifter I was born to walk alone, And I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time.”

Holding out for the phone call...

2004-07-07T16:29:00.000-05:00

I think I live in two different worlds. One is the reality that most of you live in. I go to school, have friends, play with my dogs, set goals for the future, blah blah blah. The other world is in my head where I stash all my plans, dreams, and hopes that are a little naïve but I hold out for anyway. I plan out what I hope will happen and literally visualize my life in the future. There is the career that I will have, the wonderful man in my life who treats me like a princess, and so on. But what makes this a bit odd is that I sometimes slip into daydream fantasies where I pretend I’m actually there. I imagine my environment, people there, and my actions and emotions. For instance, something really small but heartwarming would be: Feeling really loved because my guy calls from work just to say…

There's something that I can't quite explain. I'm so in love with you. You'll never take that away. And if I've said it a hundred times before, expect a thousand more. You'll never take that away. Well, expect me to be calling you to see if you're okay when I'm not around, asking if you love me. I love the way you make it sound. I’m calling you to see: Do I try too hard to make you smile? To make us smile...? I will keep calling you to see: If you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me? I can't believe you actually picked me. I thought that the world had lost its way. Then I fell in love with you and you took that away. You take away the old, show me the new and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you. So while I'm on this phone a hundred miles from home I'll take the words you gave and send them back to you. I only want to see if you're okay when I’m not around, asking if you love me. I love the way you make it sound. I’m calling you to see: Do I try too hard to make you smile? To make us smile...? I will keep calling you to see: If you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you’re dreaming are you dreaming of me?

This will probably never happen in the real world, of course, but it happens in my ‘other world’ where the future is created in the present and unfolds in my mind.
-Lyrics by Blue October

A step forward or to the side?

2004-07-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

I went and saw the much anticipated Spiderman 2 last night. It was a good film with a great balance of action and love. The thing is, I went with my guy and his friends. Last weekend I had met some of his pals at a local concert, but I was introduced to his ‘Ardra’ (meaning, his best friend from school) last night. They all seemed really cool, super nice, and were easy to hang out with. So, what’s it mean when a guy is willing to introduce you to his friends and even invite you out with them?
...He’s not embarrassed of me? He obviously trusts that I won’t act like a complete moron and embarrass him in front of his friends. I’m attractive enough for them not point and laugh.
...He accepts that we’re in a relationship that may last? He realizes he might actually keep me around a while so might as well get it over with.
...It doesn’t mean anything? My meeting his friends is of no significance in his life. This is probably the correct answer. I have this horrible habit of critiquing and analyzing our past and planning and wondering about the future between us. He wanted to see Spiderman 2 with his friends and me so wallah...
And then I had to wonder...what do his friends think of me? I know my friends are really protective of me and want ‘the perfect guy’ for me...no less. Are his friends this way? No one was rude to me or asked me to leave so that was a good sign, right? I hope they think I’m good enough for him. I think I am.
Anyway, I’m glad to have met them. It was an opportunity for me to see another side of my guy I hadn’t seen before. Another side to get to know and love.

How significant are we?

2004-06-30T16:40:00.000-05:00

I’ve always loved to look up into the night sky. It’s just always cleared my head and put things into perspective for me. I guess it goes back to when I was little and saw An American Tail. The world that seemed so large to me was explained and connected when Fievel and his girlfriend sang 'Somewhere Out There'. They were separated by miles and miles but were looking up at the same sky. They held to this idea, and wished on the same bright stars, until they were together again. I know it was just a cartoon but its message has stuck with me through the years.
Though the sky connects us, it also makes me feel a little obscure. Next semester I registered for astronomy to fill up one of my science slots and can’t wait to learn about all the different stars, planets, and far off galaxies. When I see glossy pictures of space it makes me wonder how significant our Earth, or our galaxy for that matter, is. We’re just a tiny dot, in a tiny galaxy, in a sea of ongoing darkness. It makes my self-consciousness about my thighs and my horrible chocolate addiction seem a little less important.
“To eat less carbs or be happy?” A female human-being at 32 degrees latitude and 96 degrees longitude on planet Earth in the spiral Milky Way galaxy wonders aloud. Does it really matter?

My Favorite Bands and Their Numbers

2004-06-29T18:59:00.000-05:00

It was brought to my attention recently that most of my favorite bands have numbers in their names. I hadn't even realized it, but it's true: Eve 6, Matchbox 20, Maroon 5, Five For Fighting, Three Days Grace, Sum 41, 3 Doors Down, D12, Finger 11, TENacious D, Third Eye Blind, Blink 182, and Ben Folds Five. Plus some of my older favorites: 4 Non-Blondes, Nine Inch Nails, Boyz II Men, and U2. What's up?

Ordering Pizza In 2006

2004-06-29T13:43:00.000-05:00

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "How about a check?"
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September 13th for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?"
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"

-Thought this was funny...and kinda scary too. Our Pappa Johns has caller-ID and answers the phone, "Thank you for calling Pappa Johns. Is this Mr. or Mrs. Jones? Are you still at 3625 Carmichael? Would you like your regular order: one large meat lovers with orginal hand-tossed crust, one large thin crust half extra cheese, half pepporoni and black olives, and no pepperoncinis?" So it's not such a wild idea.

Would you take a bullet for love?

2004-06-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

When we began seeing each other, I was enlightened by my guy’s definition of love. He said he knew he loved someone when he would consciously, physically take a bullet for them. A little melodramatic, yeah, but incredibly sexy too. I pictured him flying through the air all Matrix, slow-mo style to physically block a bullet from hitting me, potentially killing himself in the process. That is love.
How many people would you take a bullet for? You may think you love them but would you protect them with all you have?
Girls want to believe there’s a love that will conquer everything and a knight in shining armor who will give his life for her own. You, know, like in the stories we were told when we were little. My parents didn’t bother including the disclaimer at the bottom that read, these are fairy tales, they are not real and will never be true, any likeness to reality is purely coincidental, can not be held responsible for broken hearts or wasted lives spent searching for these tales or the characters herein.
Although I’m not very agile and actually pretty clumsy, I would try to take a bullet for the ones I love. Romantically speaking however, I am 25 years old and can honestly say I have never loved someone enough to sacrifice my life for theirs...
His definition of love fascinates me. I’ll always save the e-mail he sent me where he closed with, “I just want you to know I would take a bullet for you...” I knew that meant more than any “I love you” he could have written or said.

Route: Root or Rout?

2004-06-28T13:22:00.000-05:00

Despite all the deep obstacles that our relationship must overcome, my guy and I fuss over goofy stuff. It's as though when we're together we forget about all of our really grande issues (see my other posts) and just enjoy each other. But, everyone must argue about something, therefore, do you pronounce route: root (like a plant root) or rout (like about)?
The argument began Friday night after I had forced him to see The Notebook (that’s a whole other post) and we were on our way to Sonic for a midnight snack. I said I would be ordering a route (ROUT) 44 cherry coke. You mean route (ROOT) 44, he asked. Hmmm. To settle this we decided whatever the carhop repeated back to us would be the correct pronunciation (because, as everyone knows, all-knowing Sonic carhops are where you go for pronunciation settlements.) She said root, but what did she know?
So, I decided to poll some of our friends. Unfortunately, 98% of everyone asked said root 44. Everyone agreed that there are two meanings to the word and should be pronounced differently depending on the context the word is used in. But, we all couldn’t agree on which ones to pronounce differently in what context. Bus route, route 44, route 66, what route is faster?, the list goes on. It just depended upon the person, where they were raised, and what they had grown up hearing.
According to dictionary.com, it can be pronounced either way, root or rout. Everyone’s right, just depends on the route you want to take.

What motivates us...fear or love?

2004-06-26T13:36:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong to do a background check on your guy?

2004-06-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

When you start dating someone new, don't you want to know about their past, especially their past girlfriends? I do. I want to know his previous tastes in girls, how I stack up, and what their relationships were like. Do you think this is a bit psychotic? Well, it can be if you go overboard with your investigations (like in the new movie Little Black Book). But I'm just talking about asking mutual friends what they thought of his previous girl and their relationship. There's only so much your new guy's going to tell you, and if you want to know more, is it so wrong to ask around? Finding out what went wrong in your guy's previous relationships can help you prevent it from recurring in your own relationship.
I didn't think anything of my detective work, it was just something I had always done. None of the friends of my new guy ever had a problem with it (you know guys love to gossip as much as girls do). Until I made the mistake of actually telling my guy I had asked one of his friend's about his ex. Being honest was not the best move in this particular situation and to all those sleuths out their-don't tell your guy you've been doing a background check on him. They'll think you're psycho and where do you go from there? No where.
I only want to know more about him because I care about him and us. I would think guys would want to know our pasts too. But, that doesn't seem to be the case.
Perhaps I know more about him than I thought just by our own relationship. I know his taste in girls now, obviously I stack up pretty well because he's with me, and the future will tell how our relationship will go...not the past.

Have you ever been in love with someone who's in love with someone else?

2004-06-23T21:14:00.000-05:00

Why is life so complicated? For those who know me, they know I ask this question quite frequently. Life's complicated-Reason #1:
It sucks when you finally find someone who you're attracted to, have fun with, are compatible with, who isn't a loser and you allow your guard down, start falling for them, and realize they are emotionally unavailable...to you anyway. Perhaps you knew all along they were in love with another but you thought you could win them over or make them fall in love with you or perhaps you put it out of your mind and enjoyed your time together.
Things get more complicated when the person that you're now in love with, loves another, who doesn't love them. What? What is the matter with us...humans, in general? Are we stupid? Do we deep down desire to be unhappy? Is it all in the agony of lusting over someone we can't have?
Recently, after complaining about my situation, my friend told me her 'Agony Theory.' In her 'Theory' she hypothesizes that humans want to be unhappy...at least sometimes. She says 1) Most everyone goes through this scenario at least once in their lives 2)There's someone we agonize over who is agonizing over someone else 3) There's someone who has agonized over you either in your past, now, or will in the future.
We don't choose who we fall in love with...or do we? Are there times in life when we want to be unhappy, at least temporarily? Do we put ourselves in a relationship that we know won't go anywhere on purpose so we won't have to deal with a real relationship? I tell myself this isn't true.
Life is a bunch of decisions that we make. I have fallen for someone who may not ever return my feelings but I'm intelligent enough to know that I chose to follow my heart into this trap that I'm in. It's a little cold, dark, and a bit lonely in here sometimes but when his eyes meet mine, he takes me in his arms, and kisses away my worries all that matters is that moment. I stop incessantly wondering if he's imagining I'm her, stop wondering if she's prettier than me, nicer, better...and I let myself be in love with him and this moment for all that it is. Sure I could escape the trap but who wants to be happy all the time?